freedom wall

I am a college student; 20 years old and about to graduate at 21. Since I was a kid, I never dreamed of having a family of my own. Well, It did crossed my mind when I was a teenager, but it was not my priority unlike some of the girls I knew who are excited to get married at the right time with the right person. It’s not even close to the top ten of my 100 things to-do list. At my age, other people expect me to have special someone already (what? It’s 21^st century! I got my first boyfriend when I was 17) and most girls get married at mid 20’s.

Lucky to say, I am not pressured of getting married someday. One factor of me being like this was maybe because I grew up in a family whose focus is on the society, education, career and religion.

Don’t get me wrong here. I also wanted to live in a world of happily-ever-after. I do believe in weddings. I actually have written my wedding plans and mind you, I’ve got to have a man with a thick pocket! Just like any other girls, I want to wear that wedding dress and have a bridal shower, walk in the aisle while my groom is happily waiting for me, exchanging vows, wedding rings…etc.

Wedding and marriage is different. Wedding is the event wherein you profess your love in front of God, your partner, your families and friends. Marriage is about proving your vows or whatever you have confessed to you your partner and making it real, it’s also about being responsible and doing things together. You’ll have kids as well. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part… right?

That is my own definition of wedding and marriage. I fully believe in the event (wedding). But in marriage? Not that much. Why? I am actually afraid of committing myself the rest of my life to someone. I don’t also see myself raising my children. Seeing my mother doing sacrificial love for us, I don’t see myself doing those. I don’t know.

Maybe because I am still young and not mature enough for these things yet. I am also afraid of being one of those unsuccessful marriages. I don’t want to be a victim, nobody does. I’ve had bad relationship experiences and it’s alarming that it’s always the same reason… other woman. There could be a problem with the way I handle my relationships but I think it has also something to do with the boys I chose to be with. I prefer bad boys. And that’s what I got from them, a broken heart. I don’t want to repeat that same old mistake of mine, especially when it is time for me to settle down.

Thinking of my future plans for “other” people is a factor also why marriage is not my priority. I want to help a lot of people and I wanted to share what I will have in the future. I want to live with helping hands. I want to see the world and witness its beauty with my own eyes. I want to explore.

I have a lot of things to do before I settle down. I still have to meet and help a lot of people and learn from them. – That’s my perception.

But who knows, my best friend’s instinct might be true… that I’ll be the first one to get married, and not her. – to think that she’s in a relationship for 3 years already.