freedom wall

Finished writing: 8:12 P.M/ October 17, 2011

My mom and I went out on a lunch date a while ago. We decided to watch the very controversial and top grossing film of the year. Well, I was kinda hesitant to watch it because of two things: 1) I don’t want to be hysterical anymore! And 2) hindi ko alam kung sino ang isasama ko manood.

Moving forward, at first, ang calm ko lang while I was watching. Until mag-away na sila cristine at Derek sa resort. I was taken aback, that the memories of the past suddenly became fresh. I was moved by how Cristine was able to deliver her lines in that scene. I saw myself in her. With her lines, “hindi ako to... pero lahat ginawa ko para sayo” and the line, “may mali ba sa niluto ko? Pangit ba ko?...” ito rin yung mga sinabi ko noon sa kanya. I was puzzled. I don’t know the exact story of how and why he had an affair and why he denied it and preferred to wait for a one big fight to cover the issue. Nah, I guess it’s just another story. Kung ano man ang mga reasons niya, I’m letting him to keep it to himself. It won’t change anything.

Pinapakita na yung credits, tears fell down and my tongue just slipped, “naging issue sa’min ni henry yan.” I don’t know how I was able to have the courage to say that. But I was relieved. Ang gaan lang sa pakiramdam. Mommy didn’t ask me to tell more or to give her details. Eh ako rin naman, wala rin balak na idetalye ano man ang nangyari noon.

Even though I have experienced this in real life, and felt bitter after knowing the truth and still getting better every now and then, I am proud to say that I survived watching this movie! I didn’t become hysterical. I was able to control my emotions and still feel okay. I felt the movie – damang dama ko naman. The difference is, calm akong lumabas sa sinehan. No worries, no burden, no guilt...

I felt sorry for myself though. Sana natuto akong lumaban nung ako yung naaapakan. Sana, natuto akong ibangon o iangat yung sarili ko nung lahat sila tulong tulong sa pag-plano kung paano ako mapapabagsak. Sana pala, lumaban ako. Pero...

Masasabi ko naman na lumaban ako. Hindi nga lang sa paraan na madahas. Lumaban ako sa paraang alam kong mananalo ako at hindi ko masisira yung pangalan ko. Lumaban ako sa paraang alam ko na tama at mejo mali para sa iba. Lumaban ako sa paraang ginamit ko lahat ng masasakit nilang ginawa at panloloko para maging positibo ako at nagdasal lang ako for guidance. Natuto ako na magpatawad at i-accept lahat ng masasama. Natuto rin akong maging matapang.. Naging masama rin naman ako. Naging mapang husga ako at mapagmataas. Naging ibang tao rin ako.

Pero... ako pa rin naman si Nikka. Simple, may pagkamaarte lang. Mahiyain pero kayang humarap sa tao. Matapang saka ready to face all the challenges... at lalaban pa rin ako, sa paraang alam ko.